Everyday ableism: The subtle judgments that harm autistics and ADHDers

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Have you ever been called “too sensitive,” “lazy,” or “distracted” for reacting to things others barely notice? If so, you might already know what everyday ableism feels like.

As an autistic and ADHD therapist, I want to shed light on how these everyday interactions—often unintentional—can deeply impact neurodivergent (ND) folks. From casual comments to institutional policies, ableism often shows up as subtle, socially accepted bias. And when left unchecked, it chips away at our confidence, connection, and even our sense of worth.

Let’s explore how ableism operates in quiet but powerful ways—and how we can begin to shift the narrative.

What Is Everyday Ableism?

Everyday ableism refers to the daily attitudes, expectations, and social norms that favor neurotypical (NT) ways of thinking and behaving. It’s often rooted in neuronormativity—the assumption that there’s a single “right” way for a brain to work—and it places the burden of change on ND folks to conform, not on society to accommodate.

Here are some common forms of hidden bias:

• Neuroentitlement: “If I can do it, so can you.”
• Neurosuperiority: “Your way of thinking is wrong or weird.”
• Neuronegativity: Framing ND traits as flaws rather than differences.
• Neuroprivilege: The unearned advantages of aligning with NT norms.
• Neuroconformity: Pressuring NDs to hide their natural behaviors to be accepted.

These ideas seep into our language, our schools, our workplaces—and they shape how people respond to things like fidgeting, direct communication, or time blindness.

Real-World Examples of Everyday Ableism

To illustrate just how subtle this can be, here are some ND experiences that often get misunderstood:

• A student who skips small talk and jumps into deep conversation is seen as rude.
• A colleague who wears noise-canceling headphones is labeled “unfriendly.”
• An ADHDer who loses track of time is called unreliable—when they’re actually hyper-focused.
• An autistic person who gives honest feedback is considered “too blunt.”
• A child who stims (rocks, chews, flaps) is told to “act normal” rather than supported.

In each case, the ND behavior serves a purpose—whether it’s emotional regulation, communication, or focus. The problem isn’t the trait. It’s the interpretation.

Why Misunderstandings Happen

Humans naturally use mental shortcuts to make sense of others’ behavior. This often leads to something called correspondence bias—where we assume someone’s actions reflect their personality, not their context.

So, when someone fidgets, we assume they’re distracted. When they speak bluntly, we assume they’re rude. We rarely stop to ask, “What might this behavior mean for them?”

This is where the double empathy problem comes in: while ND folks may struggle to understand NT cues, NTs often struggle to understand ND cues. Yet only NDs are expected to change.

The Cumulative Impact of Ableism

Over time, these misunderstandings and microaggressions build up. ND people are punished for being themselves—socially, academically, professionally. Many begin to internalize these criticisms and believe: “I’m lazy. I’m too much. I’ll never be good enough.”

This is called internalized ableism, and it’s a quiet killer of self-worth.

What Can We Do Differently?

To dismantle everyday ableism, we need to shift both mindset and environment.

Normalize Neurodivergence

Start from the belief that autism and ADHD are natural, valid ways of existing—not flaws to be corrected. Validate differences, rather than minimizing or pathologizing them.

Embrace Universal Design

Instead of reactive accommodations, build systems that proactively support a range of needs. Think: flexible deadlines, quiet workspaces, clear communication formats.

Check Your Assumptions

Before labeling someone’s behavior, pause. Ask: “Is there another way to interpret this?”

Amplify ND Voices

Whether online or offline, center the lived experiences of ND folks. Let them define their identities, set their boundaries, and lead the conversation.

Educate Without Exhausting Yourself

If you’re ND, you don’t have to be everyone’s teacher. Sometimes a quick explanation or casual comment can open minds. Other times, silence is self-care.

You Deserve Understanding—Not Judgment

Being neurodivergent is not a flaw. It’s a way of experiencing the world that brings creativity, honesty, depth, and insight.

Let’s work to create a world where NDs don’t have to justify their needs—or hide who they are to belong.

Have you experienced everyday ableism? What’s helped you navigate it?